Welcome

Ms. Ritu Malhotra student Counsellor specialises in diagnostic work for children's problems. She has held various teaching, counselling positions in hospitals and schools. She is an experienced career guidance counsellor. At present, she is working with Communicare, Perth (Australia) as the Regional Domestic Violence Coordinator. Send in your queries and concerns to her.

Click here to ask questions

FOSTERING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ) IN CHILDREN
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and control our emotions, so they work for us, not against us. An understanding of Emotional Intelligence enables us to recognise and react appropriately to the emotions of others - an essential skill in today's business world.

Research by Gardner on multiple intelligences and Goleman on emotional intelligence has shown that emotional intelligence is crucial in building the foundations for educational, social and vocational success. The author of this book points out that it can be learned at all ages, but the earlier the better.

Fostering emotional intelligence in young children will help these skills become second nature as children grow into productive adults. An emotionally secure child will be more independent, self-confident, tolerant, empathetic, and non-violent, both as a child and later as an adult. The three major is increasing self-awareness. It is Lessons in schools could revolve around a fable or story and follow by philosophical debates, for example, the nature of happiness and beauty. It really helps youngsters to express themselves. Apparently developing your child's emotional intelligence through this route can improve their IQ by 6.5 points in a year according to one study.

Helping our children develop a well-rounded personality is the ultimate goal of any parent more so in today’s competitive world. Thus, parents select a particular school for their child only after considerable deliberation. Children are enrolled into classes that include, aside from the usual art, craft and music, personality development, puppetry, drama, etiquette, public speaking and so on. Certainly, the benefits of exposure to an enriched environment cannot be denied. However, all skills in the world will not help if the child is unable to feel good about himself, his achievements and if they have no positive impact on his relationships with other people. In other words, to be truly successful and to enjoy his success, a child must be helped to develop Emotional Quotient- EQ.

Emotions are the bedrock of human existence. Being able to manage ones emotions positively is important for dealing with a situation successfully. Emotional Intelligence is the ability to perceive, assess and positively influence one’s own and other people’s emotions. The components of Emotional Intelligence are:

Are your kids suffering from Attention Difficulty?
Many young children have difficulties with concentrating, attending or being impulsive. Some children grow out of it and for others it is an ongoing problem. These children are diagnosed as having an attention deficit disorder.

What is Attention Difficulty?

Children are likely to be distractible, impulsive, fidgety, and active and have trouble remaining on a particular task. Some are ‘dreamers’ who find it difficult to follow instructions and organise themselves.

An attention difficulty may cause concern when a child does not develop concentration or impulse control displayed by other children their age. ADHD is usually diagnosed after five years of age.

Behaviours that may cause concern:

• Inattentiveness- children usually lose focus. They lose concentration very quickly.

• Impulsiveness- children do not think of the consequences. They are children who hit out, run away, get hurt, lose their tempers and break things. These children do things even when they know they shouldn’t.

• Hyperactivity- these children are always busy, active, always running and moving. They often find difficulty in sleeping. Sitting still is hard for them-they jiggle, fidget or bounce.

• Distractibility- the child is distractible; he or she finds it very difficult to remain on a task. Every little sound, person going by, or interesting thought will distract the child.

Characteristics of a Child with Attention Difficulties

Some children show only a few of these problems-others display all of them:

• Excessively fidgets or squirms

• Difficulty remaining seated

• Easily distracted

• Difficulty awaiting turn in games

• Blurts out answers to questions

• Difficulty following instructions

• Difficulty sustaining attention

• Shifts from one activity to another

• Difficulty playing quietly

• Daydreams

• Often talks excessively

• Often interrupts

• Often doesn’t listen to what is said

• Often loses things

• Often does dangerous things

• Inconsistent behaviour

• Impaired impulse control

• Need for immediate gratification

What works in Managing Behaviour?

• Getting their attention first

• Giving simple clear instruction

• Demonstrating what is required

• Offering clear routines and structures

• Helping with transition times

• Setting clear rules

• Reinforcing/acknowledging acceptable behaviour

• Guiding rather than pushing

• Giving time to complete requests

• Offering star charts

• Help social skills

• Build self esteem

What doesn’t work in Managing Behaviour?

• Shouting

• Smacking

• Saying ‘no’ repeatedly

• Confronting

• Trying to focus on all difficult behaviours at once

Tips for Parents and Teachers

• Praise!Praise…….

• Use novelty

• Have clear rules written down

• Provide feedback to the child

• Be as predictable as you can

• Ask the child for ideas

• Time-out works well

• Allow escape valves-Give time for a run outside or a little bit of time to be noisy

• Break down large tasks into small ones

• Listen to the child

• Give children choices

• A quiet corner is useful

• Teach relaxation

• Give yourself time too

If simple measures are not enough - what help is available

• Doctors- medication

• Counsellors-Behaviour modification

• Counselling

Question :

My son who is studying in Class II does not concentrate in the Class and attention span is very limited. If I asked to do something, takes hours and hours, unless some one sits with him. Would appreciate advice to enhance his attention span

Answer:

The primary schooler could be worked with on increasing his attention span by sitting with him on a particular activity for a specific period of time, and then gradually increasing it.

The primary schooler’s age

Social/ Emotional Development

• Not as demanding in his/her relationship with others

• Uses play to express him/herself freely.

• Can be impatient with others,

• Forms erratic friendships.

• Begins to differentiate self from parents by alternately opposing, then including parents.

• Continues to be very self-centred, still sees world almost entirely from their own point of view.

Cognitive/ Intellectual Development

• Able to maintain play for longer periods of time (longer attention span).

• Integrating physical knowledge with intellectual knowledge.

• Interested in letters and numbers.

• Able to show awareness of past and present.

• Can attend closely with just verbal instructions.

• Enjoys being challenged and thrives on completing tasks.

• Has more complex thinking, can design and plan.

Physical/ Motor Development

• Highly physically active.

• Greater control over large and fine movements, movements are more precise and deliberate.

• Increased muscle strength.

• Has increased dexterity and eye/hand control.

• Hand dominance is mostly established.

Communication/ Language Development

• Is enthusiastic and inquisitive about everyday events.

• Has a vocabulary between 10,000 to 14,000 words.

IDEAS TO DEVELOP ATTENTION
As well as being fun and fulfilling, play is about gaining and perfecting a whole range of skills and abilities, which positively contributes to a child's overall development. Making him write pages and studying at home continuously will create an aversion to academics and not increase his attention.

Below are a few ideas of activities for the summer vacation:

• Painting, drawing, colouring in.

• Dramatic Play i.e. role play using real objects

• Creative visualization-. The more visual you can make the learning process, the easier it will be to recall the information. Be creative and use your imagination. Create mental images that you can associate with the information you are trying to learn.

• Meditation

• Ball games

• Climbing

• Dancing and playing home made instruments

• Make finger puppets, face masks

• Card games - i.e. snap, matching games (remember: young children need to win more than they lose, you may need to let them change the rules).

Question :

My child is very weak in studies. I think it might be lack of concentration. What can I do for her?

Answer:

Concentration and memory work together but one does not lead to the other. To concentrate is to direct your mental powers or your efforts towards a particular activity, subject or problem. Memory is the ability to remember information, experiences and people. There are some specific skills that can be learned to enhance both concentration and memory. Practicing these skills is likely to improve one's success as a student.

Once something is stored in our brain, we never forget it. We may, however, have difficulty recalling the information. It is also possible that the information we are trying to recall was never stored. This program will help you understand the structure of memory and also suggest some skills you can use to try to improve your memory.

Good concentration will enhance memory. If we only practice skills that improve our memory but never look at factors that enhance concentration, our efforts will only be marginally successful.

CONCENTRATION BASICS

We can divide strategies for improving concentration into two categories. Each category can include numerous strategies. It is not necessary to do all of them but the more of them you use; the more you are likely to be able to improve your ability to concentrate.

Study Environment:

• Distraction free- Much study time is wasted by distractions, whether that is talking to friends, playing computer games or watching TV. Think about your last study period. How long did you try to study (time from beginning to end) and how much of that time was actually spent studying? If there is a big discrepancy in your response to these two questions, you may wish to explore another study location with fewer distractions.

• Conditions (i.e. chair, desk, temperature, and lighting) are conducive to studying- The chair used for studying should be comfortable enough that you can sit for 45 - 50 minutes at a time. Sitting at a desk or table that provides adequate space for your materials to be spread out is important. The lighting in the room should not cause eye strain and the temperature should be comfortably cool.

• Materials you need for studying are present- It's important to make sure you have everything you will need for a particular study session present when you begin. If you're going outside your room to study, think through what you will need to accomplish your study goals and take it with you.

Structure for Study Sessions

• Develop realistic goals for the study session- Having a specific; realistic goal for all study sessions is essential. Expecting to accomplish too much in the time you have leads to discouragement. Setting and achieving goals leads to a sense of accomplishment. This is also critical for reducing stress and meeting deadlines. Underestimating how long a task will take is likely to result in having le

• Decide the order in which you will complete tasks- This makes your study plan more specific. It's generally best to begin with difficult or boring subjects. Your ability to concentrate will be highest when you begin studying and the task is more likely to take less time if you are at your best when you're doing it. It's easier to find the motivation to do things you like to do, even when you are tired or have

• Plan a reward- Planning to reward yourself when you have finished your study session can be very effective for helping you accomplish the tasks you need to do, but only if you use restraint and don't allow yourself the reward until you've finished your studying for the day. Rewards might be things like watching your favourite TV show, talking with a friend, going to a movie, or anything else you enjoy doing.

MEMORY BASICS

Creating conditions for better concentration is likely to improve the quality of your studying; however, it is also necessary to implement skills that will enhance your ability to remember the material you are studying:

• Organisational skills -At the beginning of the semester, preview your textbook for each chapter to get an idea about what you will be learning in the class. Prior to reading each chapter, preview the chapter to gain an understanding of the topics that will be covered in the chapter and what you will be expected to learn from your reading of the chapter. This will provide a framework for understanding the details you will gain as you read the chapter.

• Using your body- It has been said that "people remember 90 percent of what they do, 75 percent of what they see, and 20 percent of what they hear." (D. Ellis, 1997, Becoming A Master Student, 8th ed.) Learning actively can involve your whole body. You can stand up and talk aloud as you study, using your arms, legs, eyes, ears and voice. Getting your body involved in the study process puts energy into the study process and makes it less boring. Maybe you have already used this strategy when preparing for a speech; however, it can work for learning other materials as well. The more visual you can make the learning process, the easier it will be to recall the information

• Using your brain Try to make connections between what you are learning in class and your everyday life and your future career. Making the information meaningful to you will make the information easier to learn and remember.

• Link the information you already know with new information. Creating associations also makes the information easier to learn and remember. Information is stored in our brains according to a scheme. Creating these associations helps to fit the new information into the schemes that already exist in your brain.

• Including time for recall- It's actually better if review methods vary. For instance, you can review your notes silently, read them aloud and listen to yourself, write down main points from your notes, create ways to apply the information, test yourself on your notes or teach the information to a friend. Using various methods for review will help you gain a deeper understanding of the material. More active (versus passive) review methods will also help you retain the information more fully.
  
  Thus by working on her concentration and memory you can train her.

Question :

My son is studying in std 9th (Will be 14 years this July) in ISM, Muscat. He is an intelligent child but not interested in studies. He takes his studies very casually. He does not actually study for the exam but only reads his lessons and goes for the exams and manages to get average grades.

I am concern about it since he will be writing his Boards exams in very near future. How do I tackle this?

Plus of late he has become very interested in his looks; he wants to have gel for his hair and wants a silver chain and a ring...

Very particular about the dress he wears...

Is it normal for the children of this age to behave like this? I am worried these should not affect his studies and future. Please advice.

Answer:

The adolescent (14 year old) seeks autonomy and independence but at the same time they are still under the supervision of parents and teachers. They are confronted with a changing body that may well not match the socially accepted body image. They are faced with the promises of sexuality when fulfilment of this is often not possible. They are exposed to a variety of individual and peer group behaviours that may be at odds with what they had considered to be abiding values. They are tempted with educational and vocational goals but at the same time there may be a growing recognition that they may never have the mastery of content, and opportunity to have a real choice. In all, with a heightened awareness of reality and personal limitations, the mastery and control over their own lives may seem to

Related to these over-riding challenges are specific problems that may cause stress to adolescents. These include: a sense of loss of childhood role, conflicts with parents and teachers, opposing pressures from family or society and peer group, concern about popularity with peers, problems relating to drug and alcohol use, fear of ridicule or humiliation, the imaginary audience as described by Elkin, (1967), a lack of confidence, poor self esteem and sensitivity to ethno-cultural and socio-cultural differences and distress due to relationship breakdowns. (Frydenberg , 1997; MindMatters, 2000).

As awareness of these possibilities and potential limitations grows, so too does a variety of adolescent responses. Adolescent responses to the exposure to new possibilities will lead them to challenge the upholders of those systems, be they parents, social authorities or teachers. Often these challenges reflect the cognitive dilemmas that an adolescent is experiencing in resolving what seem to be opposing concepts. On other occasions the challenge takes the form of an angry refusal to accept that there can be a successful resolution. In such cases the adolescent is more likely to engage in an external conflict that serves to deflect the internal anxiety.

As a parent you need to sit with your son and share and discuss about his future, maybe could include a teacher/ counsellor or an adult the son looks up to. You could work out a reality check with him on his method of studying and assess where he is, without blame.

So, you think that you are well organised, totally in control and believe you will get A’s in every subject – yeah right! Now for a reality check and a few tips on getting the most out of your study time.

Study Tips

• Planning-studying at home requires more commitment and motivation than in class although you have the flexibility to organise your study routine around your interests. Your life is probably already busy with family commitments, work, sport, friends etc. and fitting in study can become a big problem, especially when major assignments are due and at exam time. Planning and organising are the keys to successful studying.

• Making Time- at some time in the semester you will need to make yourself a study timetable! Draw up a weekly grid with hour time slots from 3.00pm until your normal bed time (say 11.00pm) Saturday to Thursday and hour long blocks all over the weekend. If you are a morning person, do the same from your waking time until breakfast. Then block out all the commitment

• And Where?-Ideally, you should organise a quiet, warm, comfortable area with plenty of work space and good lighting. Sharing the dining room table with other family activities doesn’t have a lot going for it when it comes to concentrating and organising your thoughts. Some people prefer to spread out on their bed or on the floor, but you need to consider your posture and comfort over longer sessions. Also it is often a good motivator to be able to leave the study scene set up and return later to open books. Oh, and turn off the mobile phone and the television – you can always record that favourite program and watch it on the weekend.

• Effective Studying-Your success will depend on your style of learning, which will involve not only making time to study, but how effectively you utilise each session. Often, finding a starting point is the hardest thing. Here are some tips that might work for you:

› Set yourself goals. This can help overcome boredom and panic.
› Study topics in block. Allocate sessions to particular assignments or problems.
› Highlight key points. This helps you focus on the topic.
› Semester planners are for setting deadlines and important dates, like tests. Refer to them often.
› The best time to start an assignment is the day it is given out.
› Reward yourself when you have completed a topic or major work.
› If you are having difficulty with an assignment or topic, ask somebody else if they understand.
› Some assignments can be fun to do with a friend or in a small group.
› Looking After Yourself-You’ve heard it all before, but effective studying really does require the body to be in good order. Peak stress times such as exams and late night efforts can run down your energy levels and immunity to illness. The following will help:

• Eat healthy foods

• Drink plenty of water

• Take regular exercise – it stimulates the brain and body

• Get enough sleep

• Take time to relax.

• Avoid cigarettes and alcohol.

• Avoid arguments.

• Learn to manage stress.

• Accept support from family and friends.

• Maintain a balance between work and play.

Taken from Canberra College’s newsletter. Written by Ben Bassett.

Question :

I've been sending my nephew who's 10 & also the only child to school for four months. Due to my time constraint, his parents have asked another uncle to send instead. He strongly opposed to get into the car, and for a week he hasn't been to school. We got another uncle to send him today, but still to no avail. He insisted that he only wanted me to send him, and today, he said he wanted to commit suicide as he's feeling very miserable.

His parents and I have been spending lengthy time to talk and explain to him why we can't send. He seemed to understand and agree on everything, but when the day come for him to get to school, his mind changed.

We have been telling him that we still love him very much eventhough we can't send him to school. The other uncles have also been talking nicely and pursuaded him to get into the car, but all ways failed.

He has been saying all people despise him, including his peers and teachers, but when we check with his friends, they said that when they approached my nephew, he shunned away from them.

How best shall we deal with this problem. Desperately need your advise.

Answer:

You have been dropping your nephew to school, since the last four months and the child has gone without much ado. Due to time constraint you are unable to drop him and so have requested an uncle/s to drop him and he is not willing to go to the extent that he is talking about suicide.

The child is insecure. I can understand that the parents or you are unable to drop him- but you need to have a talk with him without pressurizing him. You need to involve his school teacher in helping him to come out of his fear. The teacher also needs to give the child self worth since he feels that no one is concerned about him and everyone hates him. You need to involve his school peers by getting them to play with him at home. Probably, you need to talk to the psychologist, since he is talking about not living and he is depressed.

He needs a lot of understanding and no pressure about going to school. He was alright till the uncles were not involved, so you need to find out why the child is running away from the situation. Do not pressurize him but have a chat through play/ walk etc. He is feeling unloved so instead of telling him that you all love him- show it to him- in terms of action.

I hope that clarifies your doubt and you take immediate steps.

Question :( Concerned Parent)

My son has fine motor coordination problem and does not write clearly and fast. He is 9 year old and is going to Indian School, Wadi Kabir. Attention span is low. Can you suggest a right teacher who can help him out?

Answer:

Children, both with fine motor coordination problem and low attention span, many times have difficulty in performing their schoolwork, completing assignments, completing tests, losing papers and not being prepared.

You are the best and the right teacher since he is your child and you understand his needs best. The ideal way to help your son would be to work with your child by managing the symptoms.

The student needs to practice:

• Yoga and meditation

• To be trained in any outdoor game or activity, i.e.: swimming, football, cricket

• Working with talents

For the Parents: -

• Rewards and verbal praise on a continual basis will change the attention problem

• Computer games, artistic media, and action- based play, building sets, sports can be effective

• Establish a homework routine, overall routine

• Provide a daily schedule

• Explore his hidden talents

• Focus on his strengths

• Be patient

• Keep in touch with his class teacher and school counsellor, inform them of the child's problems and find out strategies together to work

• Teach him to answer Test papers by giving him mock written tests which are time bound

• Involve play while writing i.e. get him to write essays or stories on his favourite topics or small paragraphs copying from the text, on a regular basis, let it not be long

• Let him do exercises to improve his fine motor co-ordination- Kneading dough, tying his shoelaces, stringing beads, separating pulses; playing in wet sand, writing on sand paper, clay moulding, finger painting, playing with plasticine or clay

• A behaviour modification system of token awards would be helpful

• Encourage your childs self esteem

• A multi-sensory approach is ideal for remediation.

To conclude:
S- sort out the problem
U-unarm the problem by identifying the critical spots
C-cash on old strategies, experiences and observations of others
C-create a strategy to solve the problem
E-evaluate and echo the strategy
S-see how well the strategy works in other situations
S- save your strategy

Question:

Thank you very much for answering my question. I really liked the answer you have suggested me and I will follow the same. After reviewing your suggestion I have relieved a lot. And now I promise I will follow your suggestions and I will act accordingly with my daughter. And I will share it with you the outcome of this issue in due course.
Thank you very much for your cooperation.

Answer:

I am glad that you are relieved. I will be happy to hear about your experiences and outcome.

Question:

I HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WHO HAS HAD DISCHARGE SINCE THE AGE OF 3. I HAVE TAKEN HER TO THE DOCTOR ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS. NOTHING HAS REALLY BEEN DONE ABOUT IT. SHE WAS CHECKED TO SEE IF ANYONE HAD MISSHANDLED HER VAGINA, THAT WAS NOT THE CASE! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT A BABY HER SIZE WOULD HAVE DISCHARGE ALL THE TIME IN HER UNDERPANTS. SO PLEASE HELP ME TO HELP MY CHILD, 
THANK YOU 
IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED.

Answer:

The first question I want to ask is - Is she swimming? Because she could have got some infection. Secondly, make her only wear cotton panties. You may also have to check up if the child has worms and then accordingly act. 

You have met General Practitioners, but I would suggest if you could meet a Gynecologist. She would be able to have a complete and thorough check-up and guide you. I hope no servants or anyone is handling your daughter. 

Question:

As I have written you in my earlier question my daughter is studying in 1st Std and is 6 yrs 4 months old.

I have attended the last parent-teacher meeting on 15 th September. I asked about my daughter regarding the studies etc. Teacher says that she is studying well, concentrating well Only thing this that she is quite in the class and not mixing with other children. She is mixing only with child who sits next to (beside) her. And also she is not talking to teacher. But if teacher ask her any questions regarding the study she answers immediately. But why is this problem with my daughter? and why she is shy with other children and the class teacher? I said to teacher that she do not this type of behaviour in KG II, she was very friendly with her teacher also other children and now also she likes to go and meet that teacher if she happened to see her on her way to class. So teacher asked me, who is her teacher in KG II? I told her name. Then she said me she will improve when she goes to higher classes. But I am having a problem why she is insecure in her own class? Even I suggest!
ed teacher that to give some responsibilities like collecting the books, monitoring etc and then she will improve, Teacher said ok. But when I ask my daughter, Is teacher is giving you any work? She said no, she is giving other children only, not giving me. I kept quite and I told her that She may give you after some time don't worry.

Dear Madame, Will my daughter improve on this type of improve? What is the solution to come out of this type of behavior? Studies absolutely no problem. Do I need to talk to her teacher again ? to give her responsibilities? I am awaiting for your suggestion. Please do reply. Thank you.... Parent

Answer:

Your daughter was very fond of the KG II teacher and she has not yet weaned out from her. In time she will come out of her shell. 
Your child is not yet given responsibility in class and you are unhappy because you had already spoken to the teacher about it. Bring it to the notice of the teacher concerned, or Supervisor. You may need to give some more background of your child to the teacher, so that she is aware and pushes her out from her shyness. 
At home give her a number of responsibilities. Take her to the garden, beach or any place where she is exposed to children of her age. She could interact with adults too. Give her exposure and her shyness will slowly move out. If you force her- by deliberately telling her to wish people and talk to them, she may move farther into her shell.